Churchill Can Stick It

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill

I’m sure you’ve heard the above quote before now.  Surely somewhere along the line when you wanted to quit whatever challenge you were facing, someone pointed you in the direction of this quote, right?  Maybe it gave you hope or fortitude, or at least a really good laugh.

I know it’s happened for me a number of times.  And, most times, I’m okay with the quote and the sentiment behind it.  Usually, it does make me chuckle and think about how I’m going to support myself to handle whatever challenge is at hand.  But today, I just want to tell Churchill where to stick that quote.

Kiddo has been back in school for almost four full weeks since holiday break ended and the road has been extremely rough.  He’s had a myriad of offenses at school this month alone, including breaking items in the classroom, spilling food and dumping trash cans, throwing items (clothes, classroom supplies, furniture) and acting out physically toward staff and students alike.  (He’s also had a few instances at church and a number at home.)

The first few weeks, we knew he was readjusting to the school schedule.  After all, he started in his new classroom/building right around Thanksgiving and had barely gotten adjusted before it was time for holiday break.  We knew he’d have some bumps along the way, as it has been a pattern of his for five years now, and we were prepared for him to have a rough week or two while settling in again this year.  We certainly didn’t expect him to have such a rough time all month, nor to learn his aggression was increasing in scope and frequency.

Most of this month, kiddo has been coming home from school, reporting all of the behavior choices he has made each day, and the communication from his teacher has supported what he had told us.  Overall, I wouldn’t call his behavior horrible, but it has been on the lower end of the scale they use to help the students gauge where they are, and communicate with us as parents how each day has played out.

Yesterday, we had a great glimmer of hope since kiddo came home with fantastic marks and the teacher’s communication began with “Wow!  What a great day!”  After so many reports of negative behavior choices, it was a breath of fresh air.  I thought he had finally settled in, and we were turning the corner for better marks overall.

Fast forward to this morning…

I was on the phone with my mom when my caller ID indicated kiddo’s school was calling.  I told my mom I needed to take the call and quickly clicked over.  This is about how the conversation went:

“Hi, Mrs. Hayes.  This is Principal T. and I’m calling because I have kiddo in my office.”

My stomach sank.  I knew it wasn’t going to be good news and (please forgive me) I thought, “Oh – please just let him be sick.  I can handle it if he’s ill, but please don’t let him have done something horrible.”

I replied, “Oh, no.  That can’t be good.”

She went on to tell me that kiddo had hit a classmate in the head with a chair this morning.  I could have thrown up right there.

I think I muttered something like, “What happened?!” and she told me it was just one of those things that happened so quickly, nobody could get to him to stop him in time.  She also told me that it seemed like he was beginning to target a particular classmate, and this was yet another aggressive act he’d taken against her.  I think that’s when my tears started rolling.

The principal continued talking, indicating we needed to set up a meeting to amend the behavior plan in kiddo’s IEP, and that he would need to stay home until that meeting took place.  And, of course, that they thought it was best that he not be in school today, so I should come get him.

Of course I agreed with all of it.  He wasn’t safe, and he was acting out in ways that – even in a classroom dedicated for special needs – they weren’t completely prepared to handle.  So I told her I’d come pick him up as soon as the messy roads would allow me to arrive.

When I collected kiddo, he was shoeless (he had thrown one at the computer in the principal’s office; they took off the other as a precaution) and looking almost pleased with himself.  One look at my face, and his expression changed quickly.  He asked what we were going to do, and I told him he was going home with me and, since I had work to do and he was missing school, I would put him to work at home.

That was enough to set off his waterworks, but they didn’t affect me.  I can’t have him thinking he can pull a nasty stunt like that and have me come get him so he can go home and watch TV.  Absolutely not!  I had kicked into what hubby calls “Commando Parenting” mode at that point.  I collected kiddo and his things, made a quick stop at the store on the way home, and put him to work doing things like sweeping the kitchen floor, picking up around the house, making beds and folding clothes.  No major child labor, mind you, but screen time was completely off-limits.

Along the way, we discussed what he had done and talked about why he shouldn’t do it.  And it’s about the hundredth time we’ve had this conversation.  Our psychologist wants us to avoid discussing any challenge too much since kiddo fixates on negative behaviors and perseverates in talking about them; but he has to know it’s not okay.

By the time kiddo was ready for bed tonight, he was angling for extra “Mom time” (I gave it to him; I figured some extra loving was a good idea) and asking for more massage.  I hugged him even tighter as we said our prayers and “night-night” routine and sent him off to sleep, praying God will help guide him into making better choices.

Back to the quote I mentioned at the beginning of this post…

I’m tired.  No – make that exhausted.  Kiddo hit the “terrible twos” somewhere around eighteen months and it hasn’t stopped since.  And, actually, his behavior has gotten more challenging with each passing year.

So I’m sorry if I don’t want to hear words like Mr. Churchill’s, indicating to keep on keeping on.  Or if I roll my eyes when I hear platitudes like, “This, too, shall pass.”  Because, you see, it isn’t and it hasn’t.  We're trying everything we can (that's an exhaustive list, worthy of a separate post) and it's still not changing his behavior for the better.  It’s getting worse.  My child is becoming harder and harder to handle.  And it scares me to the core.

We believe in non=violent options in our home, and support both the right for people to own/use weapons and common-sense regulations to make said ownership/use as safe as possible.

We don’t watch violent movies or play violent video games.  We actually have to preview Disney movies – all rated “G”, mind you – to make sure there isn’t anything kiddo can imitate.  (Cinderella, 101 Dalmations and Lady and the Tramp all proved to have something he acted out, so can no longer be viewed.)

We keep the television off almost all day, excluding an occasional show on Nick Jr., which is geared to children a few years younger than kiddo.  While said shows occasionally give me ear worms that make me want to put in plugs, at least I know he isn’t seeing any content that would give him new, negative behavior ideas.  And we certainly never watch the news with him present.  The last thing we need is to have him hearing about shootings, murders, abductions and all of the other negative stories that take up the "Top Story" slot.  He has plenty of time to learn about those things when he's older and we can give him the proper context.  (I think.  Time will tell.)

And, while we do have arguments in our home, we don’t make threats, use physical violence, or resort to character assassination with each other.  Kiddo has seen hubby and me disagree and work through resolution on a number of issues, and I think that shows him that people who don’t think the same way can find ways to work collaboratively, love each other, and build a family home.

So, when I learn that my precious kiddo did something as horrible as he did today, my heart breaks. 

I think of the little girl who got hurt, and I can barely hold back the tears.  It brings back painful memories of being bullied when I was in grade school, and I'd never wish that experience on anyone. 

I think of how her parents must feel about what was done to her, and I want to apologize over and over.  I wish I could take it back, or do something that would make it okay, but I know those options aren’t real.  I’m grateful that her injury wasn’t serious enough to require a visit to the hospital, but it doesn’t take away from what he did to her.

I think of kiddo and how this has to be affecting him as well.  I know he is the one who is aggressive, but I also know he can be so loving and sweet.  I truly believe, deep down inside, he knows what he is doing is wrong but just can't stop himself.  That has to be weighing heavily on him as well.  As a mother, it tears me up to see him acting like this when I know there's so much more to him -- intelligence, humor, creativity, imagination and compassion.  As his mother, I'd do anything to change this for him, and take away the pain that I believe it is causing him.

I think – no, I pray – “This has to get better, right?”  But I’m lying to myself if I ignore the fact that, deep down, I’m petrified it won’t.  Kiddo will be eight this year and he is taller and stronger and smarter.  And I worry that, if his behavior continues to escalate like this, hubby and I won’t be able to handle him in our home anymore.

So, please, Mr. Churchill, understand that I want this to stop.  I don’t want to keep going through this hell.  I need to get us out of here.  Where's the map?!

The Magic of Cocoa

In all fairness, I should begin this post by confessing there is no recipe attached to tonight’s entry.  But if you are craving something with a cocoa base, pull up my Pinterest boards and choose the one I have simply titled “Chocolate.”  You’re sure to find something yummy there.

                 

Okay, now that I’ve cleared the air…

We have been working with kiddo for some time to try to get him to write on his own.  He loves to spell.  He loves to ask about word meanings, spellings and pronunciations.  He loves to tell us what he’d like us to spell and have us write it down.  But when it comes to him sitting down to “sound spell” whatever he wants to write about, he balks.  Every…single…time.  <le sigh>

So we don’t push it.  We know he is getting time in school to practice (though he often refuses and just sits there) and we offer the opportunity at home, but he usually refuses.  And, before you think I should pull out my “Commando Mom” skills and go all hard-ass on him, please know that our therapist thinks this is the right approach for us to take with him at this time.  We do, too. 

Kiddo already is trying to re-adjust to his still-somewhat-new-to-him classroom after the holiday break and he’s had a rough week.  I know I’ve mentioned previously how tenacious he is when he doesn’t want to do something, so I would simply be adding more stress to his already-stressed body by pushing the issue.  So I don’t.  I try to make writing fun and catch him off-guard but he usually catches on quickly.

And yet, he surprised me again.

Tonight, I was baking a “Double-Chocolate Kahlua Cake” to take to a retreat I’ll be attending tomorrow, while kiddo was getting his jammies on.  He really loves baking with me, so I wasn’t surprised when he came skipping out to the kitchen and pulled up his step-stool, asking if he could help.  At that point, I was mostly done; but I found a couple of things for him to do so he could participate.

As I was finishing scraping the frosting out of the bowl, I realized I had used up the last of the cocoa and mentioned I needed to put it on the grocery list – but I was busy trying to clean up the messy bowl and counter.  Just by chance, I asked if he’d write the word on the list since my hands were all wet and he agreed!

He asked how to spell it, and so we sounded it out together…”c-o-c-o-a”…as he carefully wrote each letter in succession.  I told him how proud of him I was, that he had agreed to help me, and spelled the word in his own writing.  I thought he’d reply about how pleased he was, too; instead, he replied, “C-o-c-o-a.  Ha, ha, ha – that’s a really funny-sounding way to spell cocoa.”

Chalk up another small victory, in part, to chocolate.  That’s my kiddo!

Our House Pledge

Recently, kiddo has been focused on sharing with us the many things he learns in school.  I enjoy listening to his sweet little voice as he tells about what he learned, and often have to hide a smile because his delivery is so animated and full of wonder.

Since he is in a classroom focused on positive behavior changes, one of the things his class does every day is recite a pledge about how they will conduct themselves.  It goes like this:

We will be safe.  We will be nice.  We will work during work time.  We will listen, and we will not put others down. 

(There are hand motions that go with each item, but those don’t translate well here.)

We’re also focused on kiddo controlling his body and his behavior at home, so we have talked about how that pledge could apply here.  Kiddo took that conversation a step further, and asked if we could write a “House Pledge” for our home.

So, after he got home from school today and had a snack, we sat down together to outline what should be in our pledge.  I was surprised at how quickly kiddo knew what content he wanted in it; my assistance was simply with the phrasing so we kept the focus positive.  “We will…” instead of “We will not…” supports how we try to parent him, so it fit well for this exercise.

Here is what we agreed upon:

In Our House…

We will treat each other with respect.

We will keep our hands to ourselves.

We will follow house rules.

We will listen to Mom and Dad.

We will talk with gentle voices.

And we will tell each other “I love you!”

We’re still working on the hand motions.

Not Tonight, Dear Ones...

Sorry for the brevity tonight.  It’s already been a 17-hour day, kiddo had a semi-rough time at school, and I have a headache creeping up on me.  I’m calling it a night.  I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.

Sleep well, my friends.

Pep Talks

School starts again tomorrow, and I have mixed feelings about it.  I’m grateful that we will be returning to a schedule that is more structured, but also am a little sad that the freedom of our holiday break is ending.  I know kiddo is feeling a mix of emotions, too, because he talked to me about it during “Mom Time” tonight.

Kiddo has had a notorious time with transitions throughout his life, most likely due to his extra-early arrival into this world and, consequently, the developmental challenges that accompanied it.  And school has been the most difficult, challenging, emotional roller-coaster of any transition we’ve faced thus far.

So you have a little history on how school has looked for him…

Kiddo actually began school just a week shy of his third birthday, in the Early Childhood Special Education (ECSE) Program offered through our school district.  His first two years were spent in a class to help with the significant speech delays and challenges he had; the third was spent in a kindergarten-prep class.  He did fairly well through most of those years, but started having some real challenges toward the end of year three.

Unfortunately, he aged out of that program and we didn’t have a lot of good options (at least, nothing we felt was a real fit for him) as he headed into kindergarten; so we tried to mainstream him with extra support in the classroom.  That first year was pure hell.  (I’m skipping those details tonight, but may choose to fill them in at another time.)

Last fall, we continued mainstreaming into first grade with a lot of support from the school staff and a much more positive teacher, but kiddo continued to have challenge after challenge, and spent more time in the principal’s office than in the classroom.  We knew he wasn’t learning much because of how he was acting, and the simple fact that he wasn’t in the classroom much of the time he was in the building, but didn’t know what to do.

I dreaded seeing the school’s number on my caller ID, because I knew I was going to hear he had done something naughty.  It broke my heart to hear of his aggression toward other kids and staff members, and put me in tears when I was asked to come get him from school because he was so unmanageable.  It certainly wasn’t what we wanted for our kiddo, but we were short on options.

If we had the financial resources, hubby and I would have hired a private tutor to “home-school” him on the spot.  After spending almost every day with him for the past seven-plus years, it's clear that I am not meant to be his teacher, too.  Unfortunately, our resources didn’t allow for that option, so we continued looking for a better fit.

Thankfully, somewhere around the beginning of November, we were given the opportunity to check out a different placement (once again, within the Special Education Program) for kiddo.  So we scheduled a visit to the classroom, a meeting with the teacher, and sat down to write a new IEP for him.  We were able to help him make the transition to the new school/classroom and full days (he had been going half-days up until that point because his prior building wasn’t set up to assist him with more) the half-week just prior to Thanksgiving break.

Back to tonight…

So, part of what we do to help minimize kiddo’s anxiety when it comes to transitions is give him lots of advance notice about what is coming, talk about the timing of when it is going to happen, and explain what it will look like…to the best of our ability.

We’ve been tracking our holiday break on a calendar so kiddo knows what day it is, and how many he has left before returning to school.  He has known for weeks that he goes back (in his words) on “Monday, January 7^th, 2013!”

Tonight, as we were talking about what tomorrow’s schedule will look like, kiddo expressed his displeasure at going back to school.  So I asked him more about what was bothering him.  “It’s just so much work,” he said.  “They have us busy and working all the time.  I just don’t want to do it.”

Part of what I know about all that “work” time is that kiddo refuses to do his work during the planned classroom time, so he has to make it up during play time or recess.  And part of the reason he doesn’t do his work is because he often doesn’t understand the directions or what is expected of him.  So we had a little pep talk and spent some time breaking down, step by step, what was happening; talking about how it affects his fun time; and brainstorming with him how he can make other choices (like asking for help) so he gets his work done and can play, too.

I also found out he’s especially disappointed about missing play time because he wants to make friends.  And that’s something I never thought I’d hear come out of his mouth.  Kiddo has always been more of a solo-play, or one-on-one type of kid.  So to hear him ask specifically about how I made friends, and express his wish to connect with a particular classmate, was exciting!

So we had a second pep talk tonight.  And it was great to brainstorm with him about something new.  Instead of problem-solving a tough situation, we had fun looking at something fresh, and talking about where he might start with it.  I’ll be curious to hear if any of what we talked about tonight sticks with him through the day tomorrow, and what he did with that information.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Pie...

I don’t remember exactly what age I was when I started praying in an intentional manner, but I do remember I was still in grade school.  Growing up in a Christian home, prayer was definitely something my parents modeled for me; but, initially, it seemed to be about memorizing words and doing things in a particular manner while trying really hard to keep my eyes closed and resist the temptation to look around to see who else had their eyes open.  (I often gave in to the temptation of looking around.  Sorry, Mom.)  I’m not quite sure how or why I decided to just flip it all around and talk to God about whatever was on my mind in whatever way I felt like it, but that’s what I did…and have been doing ever since.

And it’s something I want to teach our kiddo, regardless of if or how he chooses to use it when he becomes an adult.  I want him to know that it’s okay to ask God for help, to share his joys and sorrows, to intercede on behalf of family and friends who are ill or hurting, to find his own voice and, hopefully, make a connection with a power greater than he is.  So we actively pray in our home; usually, every night before dinner and again at bedtime (and other times, too, depending on what is happening) to give him the chance to hear our different styles and voices and allow him to connect with his own.

A few years before kiddo was born, I belonged to a Women’s Circle at church, and we had a conversation about teaching children to pray.  As always, it was a lively discussion with lots of pros and cons, questions about how to guide kids without directing them, and sharing strategies that worked.  I remember in particular one person who talked about “Praying A.C.T.S.:  Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication (Intercession)” but for children, the words had been simplified to “Wow!, Oops!, Thank You! and Gimme!”  I loved that idea, and tucked it away for future use.

A few years ago, I talked to kiddo about the types of prayer (using the words for kids) and gave some examples of things that might fit into each category to get him started.  He chose the order of Thank You, Wow, Oops! And Gimme (with an additional blessing every night for friends and family) and I put it into our regular bedtime routine.  Now, he asks for the time to pray and usually wants me to participate with him.

As I listen and share in his prayers, I’m reminded of the things that are important to each of us because of who we are in the moment we connect that way.  Some nights, he’s light-hearted and sing-songy as he prays; other times, he’s more quiet and focused.  I always love hearing the words he chooses to share and, at times, am in awe of the depth and wisdom of what is in his heart at just over seven years of age.

Tonight, as we finished his prayers, kiddo asked if we could pray for his stuffed animal “friends” before going to bed.  I told him we could always pray for our friends and asked him what he wanted to say.  He began, “Dear God…Thank you for our warm bed tonight, and that we get to sleep with (Kiddo).  Please give us some pie…” and we both burst out laughing.

“Pie?” I asked.
“Yes, pie,” he replied, “They’re hungry!”

I’m sure God got a giggle out of it, too.

Small Victories

We dubbed today “Appointment Day” because, well, that’s pretty much what we did all day.  I’ll spare you the boring details, but suffice it to say we left for the first provider just after 10:00 this morning and finally got home from the last one around 3:30 this afternoon.

We try not to schedule too many visits on the same day because it is tiring for all of us and we never know how kiddo will respond, but there are times when they just line up that way.  Today was one of those times.

What was most exciting to me was that kiddo did great at the appointment scheduled right before lunch.  And we were quite surprised.  That timing is always a crap-shoot because he’s less manageable when he’s hungry (aren’t we all?) and his history at this particular provider’s office has been volatile the past three visits – enough so that I’ve taken him back out to the van during two of them.

Today, not only was he calm and in control of his body, but he was engaging and laughing and quite pleasant to be around.  And, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel like the eyes of everyone in the waiting room were focused on us.  Gosh, that was a relief!

The best part, though, was when the provider shared with kiddo what a great job he did today by staying in control of his body, voice and actions.  The provider compared it to the past few visits (kiddo remembers; his mind is a steel trap) and talked with him about what he was doing differently so kiddo could connect the dots to repeat more of the same behavior.  It was clear kiddo understood what he had done, and the pleased look on his face was such a welcome change.

It was a breath of fresh air to have an appointment like this since so many prior visits have been filled with frustration and lacking information.  By no means are we done with these visits, nor do we believe kiddo fully understands how to get his processing back on track when he goes “offline,” but it’s a victory I’ll take.  I don’t care how small it might seem – I put one in the “Win” column for today!

Note to Self

When it comes to handling the many things I balance, I’m a “To Do” list kind of gal.  Even though my memory is quite good, I function best when I have the items I need to accomplish by a certain deadline listed on paper, where I can see them.  And, considering how much paperwork I handle on a regular basis just in terms of kiddo’s school needs, IEPs, therapy schedule and documents, grant/scholarship applications and the revolving door of insurance reimbursement, I’m grateful to have a system that works.

But I’m always looking for a way to do it better…easier…faster…more efficiently…with less cost or waste.  So, lately, I’ve been asking people who use “To Do” lists how they arrange theirs and what tweaks have been most helpful to them.

So far, I’ve learned…

Some people like the cleanliness of a typed list each day while others prefer to write the tasks by hand.  The former claim the typed list looks clean and, therefore, feel like it is easier to tackle; the latter say they remember the tasks better when they’ve taken the time to write them out themselves.

(I’m playing with both options; I like different things about each one.)

Some people like having bullet points or little boxes on the page so they can check off each item as it is complete.

(I like to cross each item the hell off my list so I don’t have to look at it anymore once it is complete.  Out of sight, out of mind!)

Some people like one long list while others break theirs down into chunks.

(I have categories on mine.  Sometimes, they are based on one large project with lots of little items beneath -- “IEP preparation” for example; other times, they are simply categories like “Calls” or “Work E-mails” and I handle them in whatever order I choose.)

Some people like to color-code their lists so they know (for example) the green tab is always for errands, or the red tab is for financial obligations, or the blue tab is for unfinished items around the house.

(I haven’t explored doing this yet, though I’m not opposed to it.)

Finally, some make lists that include categories based on time, like “Immediate/Today” or “This Week” or “This Month” or “Some Day”.

(I really like this idea for my long-term projects and think I’m going to use this to break down the big things into smaller, more manageable chunks.)

Regardless of how the list is handled, for me the important piece is that I’ve written down what I want to accomplish.  And I don’t mean simply doing the dishes or paying the bills or running to the grocery store.  I know there is power in committing, in writing, to the goals I want to accomplish each day, week, month, year and beyond.  So I write them down, break them into smaller pieces to work on, review them for completion or changes, write down more pieces to work on, and the cycle continues.

And kiddo is paying attention.  How do I know?  Because I found his own “To Do” list (resolution, really) taped to my bedroom door this morning.  It was written (with the help of hubby) and said, “Written to Mom – (Kiddo) wants to be a pastry chef and a breakfast, lunch and dinner chef.  This is a food chef.”

I asked him why he had written it down and he said, “Because it’s important!  I wanted to remember and you need to know!”

Yes, Little One, it is very important to write down what you want to do and who you will be.  You can be anything you want to, and your dad and I will be cheering you on.  Thank you for sharing the wisdom of your seven-year-old vision with that note.  And don’t be surprised if it reappears sometime in the future; I think I’ll be saving this one to look back on with you some day. 

Mom Time

Well, it’s been almost two weeks that my boys have been on holiday break from school.  That means they’ve been at home…with me…a lot.  Have I mentioned yet that I’m ready for them to go back?  Well, I am.  Heck – I was ready for them to go back the day after Christmas.

Sorry if I’ve burst your bubble, but we’re not one of those nostalgic families that Norman Rockwell would have featured in The Saturday Evening Post.  Don’t get me wrong – I love my boys with all my heart and will do whatever it takes to protect and support them.  But most days, I just want everyone to get up, dressed and have breakfast without feeling like a nag, negotiating breakfast options, or handling a near-meltdown situation.  The sheer fact that we’ve spent this much time together as a family and navigated two holidays without too many meltdowns (kiddos or ours), renting out our child, or turning to alcohol before noon is a great improvement over past holiday breaks.

But the biggest joy that I’ve experienced this holiday break has been the sentence kiddo has uttered to me at least once every single day since he’s been home:  “Could I have some Mom Time, please?”  (Yes, I’ve determined it deserves capitalization.)

Most days, the question comes as I’m finishing my dinner.  Kiddo is almost always done eating first (isn’t every kid?) and, after asking to be excused (to which we almost always say “yes” in the hopes of having a few minutes to talk uninterrupted) he clears his place from the table…and then comes back.

Without fail, he will sidle up to me, beckon with his incredible baby blues and a slight smirk, and begin to rub his hand along my arm before posing the question.  Have I mentioned that I’m toast at the sight of those eyes and that smile?  Or that I simply melt whenever someone rubs my arms (or shoulders or back or head) in a calm and nurturing manner?  Oh, yeah – this kid has some serious skills when it comes to getting what he wants!

The first time he did it, I was speechless.  Really, I was so surprised at his request that it took me a minute to tell him, “Of course we can spend some time together!”  Prior to kiddo’s request, we had been clashing a lot.  Really – it was tough.  He seemed intent on testing every boundary I set and I felt like I was constantly riding his hide to ensure he adhered to them.  I felt like I was such a hard-ass while hubby got all the fun/play time with him.  So, to have him pose this question out of the blue (at least to me) was a shock.  And it totally melted my heart.

I always ask him how he wants to spend our time together and haven’t vetoed any choices thus far.  So far, our “Mom Time” has included reading, doing the sing-along and read-along items on the “Santa Tracker” channel on U-verse, playing Putter Pool, coloring, cutting and pasting, baking cookies, trading massage and playing lots of board/table games together.  Regular favorites include Connect Four, Jenga, and Pallina (a newer, bamboo version of Kerplunk, from my childhood in the 70s).  Tonight’s choice was Operation and we had a good time until kiddo’s nervous system got distressed by the buzzer.  Thank goodness the game has an “off” switch.

I’m not sure where he got the idea to specifically ask for my time like that (hubby denies any accountability), nor how long he will keep up the requests, but I plan to honor every single one of them.  I know he’s going to continue to grow and change so I am going to enjoy these moments while I can.  With any luck, they might even continue after he goes back to school on Monday.

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year!

I don’t know about you, but I was thrilled to close out 2012.  It was a rough year for our family for a number of reasons, so I was glad to say goodbye to 2012 and welcome in 2013.

New Year’s Eve also happens to be my wedding anniversary, and hubby and I celebrated lucky number thirteen last night.  I’ve been under the weather, so we stayed in and watched movies and, eventually, sipped champagne while watching the annual ball drop in New York City.  We both were fine with a low-key night in while kiddo slumbered on; somehow, watching the whole world celebrate the change of year on our night always feels festive.

While I’ve never been keen on making resolutions, I do look forward to the infinite possibilities a new year can bring.  In the past, my hopes were for finding love and marriage, buying a home and having children.  Since those hopes are now reality and I’m <ahem> in the middle of my life, my focus now is more on the harmony in our family and home, my own health goals, and my desire to continue to live to the fullest capacity I can in all I do.

For me, I know it’s not the resolution that will bring change and, ultimately, more of what I want; it’s the day-by-day choices, one-step-at-a-time decisions, and two-steps-forward-and-one-step-backward actions that will help me get more of what I want.  I know not to put a bunch of dreams in a resolution “basket” and hope they will somehow, magically appear.  Instead, I will thoughtfully consider the areas where I want to change, grow or enhance myself and then determine my next step.  And I only need one step at a time.  Once I get to that step, I’ll be able to figure out what the next one is…and the next, and so on.  I don’t have to be so forward-thinking that I have the whole plan established before I start; I simply have to be willing to take the first step and figure out the rest of it as I go.

So, what’s on my docket for 2013?  In a nutshell, continuing the processes I have already begun, because they are working well for me.  Here are some highlights from my list for this year:

Eating good, healthy food, drinking plenty of water and listening to what my body needs as it changes over time.

Moving my body in activities I enjoy like yoga, walking the dog, horseback riding and swimming.

Getting rid of the clutter – physical, mental and emotional – that is no longer necessary because I don’t need it.

Playing music in at least two different groups so I can have time to be creative with both my trombone and handbells.

Laughing.  Loud and hard and often.

Writing more often…or, at least, sharing more often what I’ve been writing.  I’m not committing to a daily blog -- yet; however, I know I want to blog more regularly than I have thus far.

Playing.  By myself, with kiddo or my hubby.

Re-thinking my hands-on time at the massage table and how I want my practice to look.

Getting acquainted with matcha and the Japanese ceremony of its preparation, serving and drinking.

Enhancing my culinary skills by taking some classes.  I’d really like to take the “Culinary Boot Camp” offered by a local merchant; at the very least, I’d like to do a Knife Skills class so I can chop and dice like a pro.

And, the one I’m most looking forward to:

Rediscovering who I am, now that kiddo is in school full-time.

We “camped in” the first two years he was home from the hospital to avoid RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) because it was so dangerous for him.  That meant he didn’t leave the house from November – March those first two years.  Neither did I, unless I had relief from another care-giver.  And any visitor who came absolutely could not be ill.  Seriously – even sniffles were a no-no.

And, though he started ECSE (Early Childhood Special Education) just before he turned three, kiddo has been on a half-day schedule the past five years of school.

As much as I love him, the past seven years of being with him so much has been exhausting.  I’m definitely ready for some “me” time.  And 2013 seems to be the year I will finally get to explore it.  Watch out, world!