Puberty is the Great Equalizer

Dear Declan:

Wow… your thirteenth(!) birthday is upon us already! I am stunned at how quickly you’ve reached this milestone, and can barely believe we’re saying goodbye to things from your younger years in preparation for the teenage ones.

While I’m in shock that we put “1” and “3” candles on your cake today, I’ve also wondered for some time how things would look for you when you reached this age. At the time of your birth we were in crisis mode, simply praying that you’d survive such an early arrival; it was impossible to think ahead, or imagine what your future might look like, because we didn’t even know if you’d live through that first night, or the many months that followed.

But you beat incredible odds, over and over and over again, and started to thrive. You hit milestones we never knew we’d see, and I began to understand that tenacious spirit I’d prayed for on your behalf was a gift that God had ingrained in you even before I knew you’d need it. 

I’m forever grateful that you had that asset in such a tiny, 2-pound package; I know that’s at least a part of why you have survived so many challenges, and have faith it’s a trait you will use in your life. I hope it’s something that helps others, too; you are an incredible example to me of what it looks like to keep trying, and to keep facing fears. I know others will benefit from your experience as you share your story.

Many years ago, when we were at our wits’ end with the behavior challenges that presented as part of your brain’s dysregulation, one of your providers told us, “Puberty is the great equalizer.” Oh, how I prayed that would be true! Now, as I’m watching you navigate your way in the world more independently, I think I might need to search him out in his retirement to tell him that he was right. Or, at least, that he was on the right track. So are you!

I’ve watched you grow and change so much, especially this past year! So many of the “little boy” things that I’ve cherished about you are slowly fading away, and they’re being replaced by a young man who makes me SO proud! You’re saying “yes” to trying more new things, and it’s exciting to watch you push past fear and explore different interests. I hope you always have a curious spirit, and a willingness to at least give a shot to something that might enrich your life.

I’m excited you’ve decided to try band, and it’s a joy for me to be working in the kitchen or the office, and hear the light “ding” of the xylophone as you practice your music for the week. Some of my fondest memories are related to band, or other musical groups I’ve been part of throughout my life. I hope the same is true for you!

I know you’re concerned about not picking up the lessons as quickly as the other kids, but I also know you’re committed to working on what challenges you. I hope you always keep that perspective in mind, because I know it will serve you later in life, too.

I’m also thrilled that you’ve begun to advocate for yourself. When you told me you had some uncomfortable conversations with kids who were belittling you because of your disabilities earlier this year, I was stunned that you handled it all by yourself. I’m so proud of you for asking them to change their behavior and, when they wouldn’t, going to an adult in charge. That’s not an easy thing to do. 

When you finally shared the story, my mouth was on the floor! I especially loved the perspective you had when you said, “I handled it, and we’ve moved on.” Declan, there are adults who could take lessons from you in keeping that attitude while navigating something unpleasant. Well done!

Just last week, I heard positive comments from all of your teachers about how hard you are working in their classes, and how you’re clearly trying to understand different subject matter, even though they know it challenges you. That’s definitely an upgrade, too. I know it’s still tough for you to catch verbal instructions, but they all know you’re working on that, and they are doing what they can to help you understand. 

In case you ever doubt it, I’m going to remind you: always try your best. No matter the outcome, we’re proud of you for putting in the effort. Grades in school certainly are an important part of that environment, but they say nothing about what is in your heart, or how funny and engaging you are. Later in life, nobody is really going to care if you got an A in science or a C… unless you want to be a scientist. (We can talk about that more later.)

Also last week, your para-pro shared with your dad how other kids want to hang out with you… that they want to get to know you. She also said that you’ve been greeting students and giving them “high fives” in the hallway. I bet you didn’t know I cried when I heard that, because it touched my heart so much. I’ve been worried that you’ve missed out on a lot of friendships due to educational circumstances that aren’t your fault, so I was tickled to hear what you’ve been doing. Keep it up!

It takes time to build relationships, but I know you can do it. I pray this newfound interest in others helps lead you to your tribe, so you can start making connections that could last a lifetime. I’m still in touch with a handful of my “besties” from preschool and kindergarten, and cherish that we have such a long history of fun memories together. I’d love to see you find your own version of that, and am hopeful you will begin to do so as you explore youth group at church, and extra-curricular activities through school.

I’m so excited to see you head into your teenage years, and pray they will be kinder to you than the past twelve have been. You’re an exceptional young man – smart, funny, unendingly curious, and incredibly compassionate – and I am honored to be the one you call “mom” along your journey. I hope this next year is filled with fun, laughter, and loads of blessings.

Happy 13^th birthday, my teenage son! I love you SO much!

XO,
Mom