Doing vs. Being

“Don’t do.  Be” ~ Dove Chocolate

I’m writing this as I watch my son on the massage table this afternoon.  He is receiving in our Student Clinic, and I’m in a chair about six feet away from him; close enough to be present and catch his occasional glance for reassurance, yet far enough away that he has his own space and can receive without me getting in the way.

I’m amazed how often people express their surprise to me that kiddo receives massage and bodywork on a regular basis.  I’ll give you more of his history which led to the “why,” another time.  For now, I’ll just say that it’s become part of what we do for many reasons.  And it’s so familiar for us that it’s almost second nature.

I love that the quote above was in the Dove chocolate he opened on the way to our massages this afternoon, since that was our whole goal for the day – to just be.  Coincidence?  Of course not!

Part of my responsibility as a parent, like any parent, is to guide kiddo’s development so he is safe and can make good decisions.  Given his medical history and neurological challenges, our philosophy is that kiddo will best be able to do that once he is aware of his own body and how it functions, and realize he has the ability to choose his actions (and resulting consequences) as well as the opportunity to set good, healthy boundaries for touch.  I can't think of a better way to allow him the chance to do this than letting him get a massage.

I think our culture focuses so much on the milestones our kids reach  – how quickly can they talk, walk, read, write, throw a ball, and more (the list is endless) – that we don’t put nearly enough time and energy into helping them figure out how to just be.  That’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as a massage therapist, a person and a mother, and why I continue to give him the time and space he needs to receive on the massage table.

I would consider my childhood a happy one overall.  My parents had a stable, loving marriage, we had a nice home to live in, plenty of food to eat, and clean clothes to wear.  We took family vacations and went camping, got involved in church activities, Girl Scouts and other service organizations and had lots of fun.  And while I’m grateful for all of those experiences that helped shape my character, somewhere along the way I internalized that I needed to do something to be of value.

Please don’t misunderstand – nobody told me that was the case.  I knew then (and still do now) that I was loved; still, for whatever reason, I allowed my own worth to be shaped by what I did, or could show others I could do.  “Do-do-do” pretty much was my motto at the time.  I will spare you my ridiculous, over-achiever resume here; suffice it to say that I balanced a lot and was proud of what I accomplished.  But I didn’t know a thing about just being or comprehend the value that comes with it.

It wasn’t until I was in massage school ten years ago that I began to understand how important that little, two-letter word really is.  And I’ll be the first to admit the concept challenged me to the core.  Thank goodness I had a healthy curiosity and willing spirit to explore how else my life might look by letting go of my need to do and, instead, focusing on my ability to be.

Never in a million years did I expect to be entrusted with a child who would require me to practice this concept hundreds of times each day, let alone try to help guide him and teach him how to do that for himself.  But that’s exactly where I am right now.  In retrospect, it makes sense that I needed to explore that concept for myself because I was being prepared to parent this special kiddo.  I just didn’t know it then.

That brings me back to his session.  I wish you could see it.  It’s such a beautiful sight.  The room is very quiet, even though there are almost a dozen sessions going on at the same time.  The lights are off and there is a nice amount of sunshine coming through the windows.  The background music is gentle, and everyone has found their own space of being.  Just sitting here, I am breathing and finding myself more relaxed than I’ve been all week.

And I’m having a full circle moment as I experience kiddo’s session today.  He hasn’t done anything to be of value or service, yet his very presence is a learning opportunity for anyone around him.  He is teaching others how to be present simply because he is on the table.  And I’m humbled to have the honor of experiencing the joy that comes with that.

By allowing him the opportunity to be himself and give his body the chance to fully relax, he is teaching others how to work with bodies, spirits and personalities different than their own.  We love his quirks – his wacky sense of humor, his unusually large vocabulary, his transparency of spirit, his creativity and love for the unusual – and we know they come with a number of challenging behaviors, too.  It’s all a part of the package.

Of course, he gets on my table at home a lot, too – but that’s completely different.  I’m his mom first and foremost, so that’s always a part of our relationship when he’s in my therapy room.  We’re connected in a way that I’ve never experienced before because we were a physical part of each other; and, though he lives outside of my body now, we are still connected.  It’s a gift to both of us when I stay in my role as mom, and allow someone else to nurture him so he has the space to just be.  I know I can hover and get in the way sometimes, so making the time where I step aside is so important for both of us.  And it’s a gift to me that there are others who support us in this manner.

As I watch him drift towards sleep, I find it tough to keep my tears at bay as I observe his precious little face.  He’s only ever fallen asleep on the table in Clinic once or twice.  And I know it’s because he trusts his therapist.  She is quiet and calm, and hasn’t been flustered by a single request he’s made – and he often makes many!  I can feel the compassion she has for my precious kiddo as she provides a nurturing touch.  She has given him the space he needs, and he is allowing himself to receive it.

What a precious gift to observe, because that is exactly what he needs today.  We’ve had a rough summer, and he’s already come through so much in his lifetime.  Yet, he has nothing to do and nowhere to go.  There are no responsibilities on his list -- no details to handle.  He isn’t worried about impressing anyone, or building a resume or hitting a certain milestone by a particular date.  He can just be…and he is.  And by watching him, I am, too.  My heart is full.