Locking Horns with the Minotaur

Have I mentioned I’m a Taurus?  My birthday is May 1^st, so I’m solidly in the cusp of this Venus-ruled sign.  My birth process was induced since my mother’s doctor was going on vacation when I was due a little later in the month.  She had learned to hypnotize herself against pain to the sound of his voice, so she needed him there for my arrival.  Thus, I entered the world a little ahead of when I was expected.  Ironic, isn’t it?

While I don’t put all my stock in astrological musings, I do believe people born at certain times of the year tend to exhibit similar qualities as others born at the same time.  Many Taurean qualities apply to my constitution:  Earth mother, caretaker of others, self-reliant, lover of nature and animals, strong, prideful, appreciate of beauty in all forms, sensual and, of course, stubborn.  Yep…that's a fairly accurate description of my nature.  Those who don’t know me well (and see me in action when kiddo is having a melt-down, or observe my silence in the classroom when I’m giving a student space to process) think I’m an incredibly patient person.  HA!  If only they knew!  More on that later.

Kiddo’s “actual” birth date was September 9^th.  That puts his arrival under the sign of Virgo, the Virgin.  His “adjusted” birth date, however – the one we were planning on until everything went haywire – was December 10^th.  Had he arrived on that date, instead, he would have been born under the sign of Sagittarius, the Archer.

Given what I said above about the time of year when people are born, I can’t help but wonder…do preemies get the assignment of only the sign under which they were born?  What about the one under which they should have been born?  Better yet, do they get the benefit of both signs?  Or should they have a new sign created for them altogether?  Is kiddo a Virgo or a Sagittarius?  A Virgittarius, perhaps?  Or maybe a Sagittarigo?  Would that make his symbol the Virgin Archer?  Oy vey!

Based on how he acted today, I’m going with option three:  kiddo deserves a sign all of his own.  Given my stubborn, bullish nature – and considering the fact that he has half of my chromosomes in his little body – I’m thinking a sign with the Minotaur as the symbol would be most appropriate.  You know the Minotaur, right?  He (it?) was the creature from Greek mythology that had the head of a bull and the body of a man.  Yeah – it’s been that kind of day.  Pass the wine, please!

Any parent can tell you how tough it is to work with a child when s/he is being bullish.  The challenge we have is that kiddo’s nature is that way day after day after day, without end.  Due to his extremely early birth, he didn’t get the same time for development in utero as full-term children do, so his neurological function – “brain map” per se – looks quite different than yours or mine.  The best way I can explain how he operates is that he doesn’t have a “pause” button.  The phrase in our house is, “He went from zero to sixty like THAT (*finger snap*)!”  If you’ve ever seen him in action during a melt-down, you know exactly what I mean.  And for those of you who haven’t, I understand how puzzling this can be to hear.  Anyone who has seen the sweet little guy out at a concert, or being polite at church usually can’t imagine him in melt-down mode.

I think most people can tell when a neuro-typical child is headed for a melt-down.  (Yes, there are always some exceptions.)  For the most part, parents who are paying attention usually can catch when the little one is too tired, or too stimulated, or has had a rough day and intervene in time to help minimize the effects of said melt-down.  Oh, how I’d cherish that opportunity with kiddo.  Because of his “wiring” he can be completely fine one second, and screaming his head off the next…and, much of the time, we don’t know what set him off.

So our biggest strategy, based on hundreds of hours of therapies, and consultation with just about every specialist in the Grand Rapids area is…wait for it.  No, really – that’s the answer.  It’s waiting.  Waiting him out.  Waiting for him to stop screaming his lungs off.  Waiting for him to stop hitting the wall, or throwing pillows around his room (everything else had to be cleared out for his safety and ours), or yelling, or yelping, or squealing, or whatever behavior he has chosen in that moment while his brain is “offline.”

And, believe it or not, the waiting has absolutely nothing to do with patience.  Not a damn thing.  In actuality, it has everything to do with being more stubborn than he is.  There.  That’s my secret.  My Taurean nature at its best equals stubbornness that can outlast this little Minotaur.  There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, right?  Have I told you what a fierce competitor I am?  (*insert evil laugh here*)

I’ve had several people pay me the compliment, “Oh, you must be such a patient person!” and they usually look at me like I’m an ingrate when I tell them, “No – I’m not patient at all.  As a matter of fact, I am one of the least patient people on the planet.”  I don’t like to wait in lines, I don’t like people who cut in front of me while driving and then slow down, I don’t like how long it is taking the scales to move down as I work to shed more pounds…the list goes on and on.  I like what I like, the way I like it, when I like it.  Period.

But most of the time, that’s not what I have in front of me.  So, I can either piss and moan about how unfair it all is (and I do allow myself a 15-minute pity party from time to time), or I can choose to do something that works to my advantage.  And since I have a child who can’t learn through punishment or rewards when he is in the midst of a crisis, my parenting style has to be different.  Because his behavior isn’t a parenting issue.  It’s a wiring issue in his brain.

It’s not about more consequences or fewer rewards, or consistency of punishment or anything else we’re doing.  (And please don’t suggest spanking – ugh!  Violent behavior toward a child exhibiting violent behavior is definitely not recommended.)  It’s about reminding myself that I’m more stubborn than he is, and then holding my own.

So, if you happen to see us in public sometime when he is having a meltdown and I am silently standing by him, waiting for him to pull himself together, please give us that space and let us work it out ourselves.  Don’t offer any “drive by” parenting “advice” or feel the need to comment at all.  Truly, silence is golden in a situation like that  Besides…do you really want to get in the middle of a battle between two sets of horns like ours?!