Naked at the Olympics

Did I get your attention?  :)  Since I’m not one for titles that tease but don’t deliver, I guess I’d better get busy explaining myself…

I started blogging yesterday.  It has been on my mind for some time, but I haven’t been able to bring it to fruition until now.  I think my past attempts quickly fizzled because I didn’t feel like I had a particular focus or topic – a mission statement, per se.  And, with hundreds of thousands (millions?) of blogs out there, I didn’t want to contribute to the Seinfeld-esque chatter:  funny information about nothing in particular.  Goodness knows we already have enough of that!

So I put the idea of blogging on the back burner, and continued to ponder how I might finally jump into the vast cyber pool of writing.  And, in the meantime, I continued writing about my experiences raising a child with special needs.  I know there are a few good books out there for NICU parents from a medical perspective (my recommendations may be another post altogether), but not a lot that address the internal, emotional, and spiritual process of that experience.

For me, the writing was purely cathartic.  We’ve been through so many challenges with kiddo’s especially-early, completely unexpected delivery and the resulting challenges that I HAD to get it out somehow.  And while talk therapy, lots of massage and bodywork and a healthy addiction to tea have helped greatly, I still needed an outlet.  Make that a private outlet.

I know that might surprise some of you.  If you know me, you’re already aware of how verbal I am…sometimes, to my own detriment.  (I should probably have a iPad cover that says “Insert Foot in Mouth.”  Lord knows I do it enough!)  And, while I needed to get some of the emotions off my chest, I also needed to know that I was doing it in a manner that would both serve me and remain private at the same time.

But then I started running into people (in real life as well as online) that have similar stories, or have experienced different situations with similar heartaches, and I started opening up more about how difficult it is to raise a micro-preemie.  And people started responding with their stories and their resources and it gave me hope that maybe I could, in fact, contribute in a positive way.

Insert a few, well-timed suggestions from my mentor, boss and friend (I’ll call her “S”) and the wheels were turning.  But – oh, my goodness – that meant I’d have to strip myself down to my rawest, realest place if I wanted to connect.  And that thought has scared the shit out of me for a long time.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you’re naked in front of a crowd?  Yeah, that one.  Me, too!  Historically, I’ve had this dream when I’m anxious about “performing” in some manner --- getting in front of a new class of students, playing my trombone or handbells at a concert, or giving some type of a speech.  In my dream, I’m usually the last to realize I’m standing there, butt-naked, while everyone is laughing at me and pointing out my flaws.  And I have a lot of flaws.

The idea of blogging for me parallels that dream.  I’ve talked myself out of it countless times because of all the “What if…?” questions running through my head.  What if I start blogging and run out of things to write about?  (Yeah, even this “verbal” gal has those fears.)  What if I write something and someone is really cruel – horribly mean, even – and tells me to “f” off?  What if I share something personal and it becomes fodder for someone else to lampoon my less-than-perfect parenting efforts?  What if, what if, what if???

Again, insert a few more, well-placed suggestions from “S” (she’s really good at planting/watering seeds of thought), and a lunch to flesh it all out and, suddenly, I actually thought I could do it.  I still was pretty hesitant, mind you, but I started to understand how much this experience we’ve had because of kiddo’s presence in our life is a global thing.

And yesterday was the final straw for me.  I just couldn’t continue to keep it private anymore.  I had come home from kiddo’s neuro appointment broken-hearted and in shock and needed to get paperwork done.  But when I sat down to write student evaluations, I couldn’t do it.  Instead, my fingers started typing what I eventually ended up posting.  And, as vulnerable as I felt, I was so relieved!

Part of me hesitated to post it, but only for a second.  As I held my finger over the “enter” key, I took a deep breath and hit it – then immediately thought, “Oh, my God!  What the hell have I just done?!”  Just like when I first found out I was pregnant with kiddo, I knew there was no going back.

Thankfully, “S” called last night after reading my blog to check in and offer her support.  I referenced the anxiety dream and told her I felt like I was standing naked in front of the whole school again and she laughed and said something to the effect of, “Honey, you just stripped naked in front of the whole world!”  After a moment of panic (and some reminders from her to take lots of deep breaths), I was able to hear her words about how, by being willing to put myself out there, raw and uncensored, sharing some of my deepest, most vulnerable, authentic thoughts, I give others permission to do the same.

And, with the whole world watching – just like the Olympics we’ve been enjoying for the past week  – I’m not sure just how far-reaching my words might be.  My hope – the biggest, strongest wish I could ever imagine – is that someone, somewhere knows of someone or something that can help us navigate these challenges with our beloved kiddo, and increase the quality of our life together.

I’ve already heard from so many of you that I’m humbled.  I’ve made some new connections and resumed some old ones in just a matter of hours, and I feel like the light of hope in my torch is flickering just a little brighter today.  And I hope you continue to follow my blog.  By your following, “liking,” sharing and commenting on it, the potential for it to reach more and more people grows exponentially.  And I’m praying the global nature of the internet will help us find (or be found by) the person(s) who may be able to help us in our quest for better options for kiddo.

And, as if that’s not enough, I’m celebrating feeling free today.  For the first time in a long time, I’m not feeling uncertain or ashamed and I’m standing naked in front of the whole world.  And it feels fantastic!  It’s my Olympics, and I just took the gold!